Will I ever get used to this? Leaving home, again and again. It's like prodding a healing wound over and over again, making it constantly sore...
At times I do managed to talk some sense into myself, that all this is temporary from an eternal perspective, that life is not just about fun and living in comfort. Life's a preparation for something far greater than anyone of us could possibly imagine; everything we face is a test, to see how we fare, and should we fail, experiences should be collected and lessons be learnt from the mistakes.
But do I wish that I haven't gone back at all? Is Britney Spears still a virgin? Of course not. The month I went home had been nothing less than memorable. Met up with Su and Yean Yik and Wei Ming and... Went to Pangkor and Penang with my family, went to KL (twice!) with Keong and sis, the Penang CG retreat... and Keong came over to my house to dinner and lunch heh. With my family and relatives. =D And he was there in the airport to send me off, and my mom bought me the ridiculously overpriced Bonia bag out of necessity (and love!)... it's a long story. All I can think of is that everytime I look at the hard-cased luggage bag, I'll remember my mom, Keong and my sis transferring all my belongings to the new bag haphazardly, without a hint of accusation or reproach. Even though it was kinda my fault that had to happen...
So many blessings in such a short time; you gotta hand it to the Big Man up there.
Throughout the whole trip back here in Lansing has been tiring, physically and mentally. I kept talking to God, pleading with him to grant us the strength to go through all that he's mapped out for us. I know this is his plan; to chicken out or choose the easy way out would be disobedience.
It's terrible to have to hold back tears so often. Especially in public. I'm quite sure, after a few similar experiences, that these held-back tears do not disappear; they simply accumulate, and wait... until the point where you break down and they come flooding. It feels slightly better after crying. Sometimes.
But life goes on. One of the small comforts is that time never stops for anything or anyone. On and on it goes, whether I'm crying or studying or even taking a shower, time is moving forward, bringing me closer to the end of the battle, towards a life of eternity so vast and awesome, I feel almost silly to be mourning over being away from my family and Keong for now.
I said almost. =P That's the thing about humans. Have you ever tried to control your mind? It's much harder than memorizing the chemistry periodic table, for sure. But I read in National Geographic while waiting in the airport this afternoon about placebo effects - it's about a few studies done by scientists on normal people with sicknesses; they'd give them shots and medications that claim to cure their illnesses, but in actual fact the shots are merely glucose or saline solutions, simple harmless stuff. But after taking the stuff, almost all the patients felt better, and said that the medications were very effective, yaddaX3.
Just shows how powerful the mind is. If you believe, it might as well be already true. And I believe with God's grace and guidance, I (we) can do this. Heartaches, homesickness, come what may, the end of the race is within my (our) reach.
As long as I (we) have Christ in me (us). Because Jesus is not only in Ipoh, not only in CGMC, not only in Malaysia; he's everywhere I (we) go. He was in Japan when I got to see Keong online (it was too 'ngam' to be merely a coincidence, for real!), he was in the Chicago airport when my sis and I almost fainted with fatigue, and he is here with me, more than 24 hours of travelling later, already feeling heavy with homesickness.
"We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
