I checked the weather through the bedroom window. Dots of white flakes were swirling in the air. Not too good a sign. Driving test was in an hour.
But I felt pretty confident. I've been driving so much back home for a couple of years, and I practised last night with Firman. The fact that they have a whole lot more rules and signs here to abide to worried me a little, coz I was still a little confused about the traffic junction rules here. Still, I felt all right. A lot of distracting thoughts were threatening to divert my focus, but I willed them to back off. At least for now. God'll wing it for me.
It started off great. The skies even cleared right before the exam started. Aced the parking test, did the blind spot thing, put out all the right signals, maintained speed limits... except for this one time I was about to turn left when the light turned green and he yelled at me to stop.
I was supposed to 'cross with caution' and 'yield to oncoming traffic' coz it was a green light, not a green arrow, in which case you can cross safely without checking.
Ok, juz one mistake. So far, so good. Started daydreaming a little about driving Su around when she comes.
I didn't pass the exam.
Mr R: You actually didn't pass the exam.
Me : Oh.
Mr R: You're a great driver. You did everything perfect.
Me :
Oh he's joking with me...
Mr R: But you made that one mistake at the traffic lights. Remember, the left turning? You were about to go ahead without checking oncoming traffic. And that's a pretty big mistake...
Me :
No he's not. But don't cry yet.
Went inside the office to make another appointment for next week in a daze. Hardly reached the car before I broke down. This is too much God, I thought bitterly. Why. It's like pouring bronzing/tanning lotion onto someone who'd already been sunburnt to hell. Shocking, and too painful...
Why why why why why. So much shit going on and You couldn't even grant me this one small thing? I needed this, so I could at least have something to be happy about, to be able to wake up with a lighter heart instead of this brick of a heart I've been lugging around with me.
I drove back home in the midst of a breakdown in the car. My tears were blurring my vision, all these questions I was shouting at God. I felt so alone. Completely, utterly alone.
I didn't care that I was lost, till I figured out it was probably more comfortable to cry on my bed instead of behind the wheel. Managed to get home somehow.
I'm trying to be strong here. I was drawing all my strength from You God, why did You snatch them right back from me? I need You, I didn't need this to further break down my spirit...
After I calmed down some and managed to restrain myself from calling anyone to dump my raw emotions onto, things began to make a bit of sense.
It was a genuine mistake. It was what I really needed to learn, the traffic light rules. But I was too arrogant to pay attention to the seriousness of it. I got irritated at their (roommies) repetitive shouts to 'put signal ah!' or 'check blind spot!'. I thought I could whiz right through the test without understanding the most basic of driving rules here.
When my friends ask me how I did, it was all I could do to swallow my pride and said I'd failed. Everyone I knew passed the first time - what went wrong? And I realized I was still trying to defend myself, that it was juz one bloody mistake but the tester failed me over one measly mistake. I couldn't bear the thought that anyone would see me as a lousy driver. I'm a damned good driver, and I know it.
...Hm. So that's where the problem is huh God...
Pride. Hateful pride. Messes with your mind like cats with your favorite sweater. It was a humbling experience, a painful experience with the worst timing ever, but I can't blame anyone but myself. God answered all my prayers - good weather, car in working condition, good driving skills and instinct, friendly instructor. So what went wrong?
Me.
...Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. - Romans 12:3
That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." ...Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. - James 4:6&10
