[Long post - I split em in half so you can read them at different times.]
I was so angry I could spit out blood. My mouth was frothing with so many foul words and malicious comments I could almost feel green bile dripping down the sides of my lips. My whole body was boiling with fury enough to burn down a small village. I felt like a demonness in The Ramayana, all set to bare my yellow fangs and sink them deep into m-
I was angry. And it was taking all the strength in me to bite my own tongue, and pour a tsunami of cold water down my scorching brain of malice and hatred.
Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, better a patient man than...
ARGH!
A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Proverbs 17:27 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint...
*takes a deep breath*
I told her we're gonna talk face to face tonight. Not like this.
I seldom feel such intense anger (and I'm thankful for that). The whole hot lava coursing through the veins, the bursting urge to yell and react in spite; all these I read about more than I experience them. I see the loveliest people turn hard rock with anger, and I know everything is possible in this world. Keong gripping the steering wheel a little tighter as a ignoramus blatantly took the parking space we'd been waiting for; my sis yelling on the phone at an ex-boyfriend that had hurt her beyond words; my mom whipping us with a 'correction rod' for not doing well in school.
Nothing good will come out of feeding the anger. At that split second, it'd feel so satisfying to spit out that sentence that you know will go straight to the heart and shatter; sometimes it'd feel even euphoric to lift up that hand and hit the one you love most.
But that's just for a second. Or maybe longer, but it accomplishes nothing. Nothing remotely good, anyway.
____________________________________________________________
I went to church right after the conversation. What do you know, the title of today's sermon?
'How do you deal with the jerks in your life?'
I know a lot of people in the congregation was surprised by the visiting pastor's use of words - jerk? how is that holy language? - but I was drawn to it. We're human, we all know what we call one another in our human hearts. Most probably worse things than 'jerk'.
The message, as the cliche goes, felt like it was made for me. Everything, the examples, the bible passages, the emotions; the pastor was right on the money.
He said the usual advice is? Forgiveness, and think of the classic question - WWJD?
But then he said that's not the question to ask. It was more of what Jesus could do in us so that we could love and forgive others. We sure as heck can't do that by ourselves. Even if we know in our mind the answer to WWJD, we don't have a big enough heart, a wise enough mind, a clear enough understanding to do it.
But asking Jesus to open up my heart and mind isn't the tough thing to do - it was the next part that I felt so challenging.
We have to turn the other cheek. We have to give the person the clothes off our backs. We have to go the extra mile to help them. [Matthew 5:38-42]
Almost everybody knows about the radical christian mantra - love your enemies. We say ok, we can do that - till we completely understand what Jesus means by that.
It means carrying the Roman soldier's backpacks for more than a mile (check footnote for complete explantion =p), coz Jesus says 'go with him two miles'; it means giving your clothes to someone you think deserves little more than a dead rat; it means going up to the 'jerk' and ask to pray with him/her.
Yes. The pastor did that with his previous jerk. They're still friends 8 years later.
It feels demeaning, like we're lowering our inhibitions to make peace, open and vulnerable to rejection and humiliation.
But that's the pride and ego talking. We all know it.
I was reminded of how much more demeaning Jesus must've felt to have to stomach all those insults and snide remarks and public rejection. He could've just screamed SCREW Y'ALL! GO SAVE YOURSELVES!
But instead He uttered the most heart-wrenching prayer I have ever known in my entire life.
"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
And I don't even have the complete innocence and holiness of Christ. I'm just as much a jerk as the next person - why can't I forgive and pray for someone who's exactly like me, when Jesus has forgiven and is still praying for a people who had forsaken Him, abandoned Him, rejected Him over and over again?
Coz I'm not strong enough for that. I need Jesus to widen the space in my heart, to remove the planks in my eyes, and to purge my soul of bitterness and negativity.
**When the Roman soldiers were tired of carrying their own stuff during the journey, they'll order one of the Jews to carry it for them, and one mile was the requirement. The Jew could stop after that.
