Su's grandma passed away a few nights ago. It's sad coz I know how much she adores her grandmother. But it's awesome to know that they'll meet again, for eternity. And Su got to spend quite some time with her in Singapore during the summer, so I thought that was rather merciful of God.
And it made me think of my grandma. She's almost 80 now, and most of my growing up was done with her around. She took care of us with my mom since we were born, and she hasn't stopped since.
For a traditional Chinese lady, she's very affectionate with us. Even now, whenever she sees us, she'll grab us by our face and plant a big kiss on our cheeks. Struggling to tip toe, of coz - she's shrunk in size since she hit 70. And sometimes she'll sit next to me while we were watching TV, and she'll take hold of my hands and slap them gently, laughing about how smooth my hands are, which subsequently led to the so-unfortunate-you-don't-have-to-sell-taufu-at-the-age-seven-like-your-grandma talk.
And sometimes I'll catch her staring at me, until I narrowed my eyes at her and asked her jokingly what's going on, and she'll always tell me that I'm pretty, 'prettiest of the bunch'.
I bet she does that to every other granddaughter though. =p
I grew up with her war stories, her many anecdotes from years and years of selling taufu, 'tong sui', of adoption, arranged marriage, world war 2. I always listened intently, coz I promised her I would write and publish her story one day and let the whole world know all about it.
I remember when I was much younger, I used to lay my head on her tummy, and tried to make her laugh so that her tummy would move. I feel silly even typing bout it, but that always made me (and my sister) laugh uncontrollably.
And back in our childhood days, under my mom's Maoist extreme food-rationing campaigns (healthy, unprocessed foods only; and heaven forbid if you had ice cream two days in a row), it was my grandma who swooped in like an everyday heroine with her ample purse, taking us to the market to get all the jellies and chips and whatnot that our rotting teeth desired.
We found out she has Parkinson a few years ago. It wasn't that big of a shock for most of us; she's been a little unpredictable, with bouts of depression. I was ready, on the front. I stayed for long hours with her in the hospital when things took a turn for the worse, I bought her famous white coffee and chee cheong fun whenever we eat out, I'd drive over to her house just to chat and watch TV with her.
But I wasn't ready for the sobbing sessions about dying and leaving us behind. I can tell she's terrified of dying, as if she figured out all the gods and deities she's paid homage to in the past will not help. She's not at peace; she's afraid of the unknown - of what's gonna happen when she leaves this world.
And as she grows older, she becomes more aware of the time she has left on this earth, and more obssessed with seeing all her grandchildren doing well, getting married and everything. She always asks my sister and I when we would go back to Malaysia, when would we be done with our studies, and whether we're happy and content. It's as if she's rushing against time, wanting to experience everything, trying to find peace and contentment in us. Then at other times, she'd lament about how she should just die, since her sisters are dying one by one, and even one of her sons had passed away (a few months ago).
Tired of living, but still scared of dying.
I hate myself for not doing more to bring her to Christ. I'd take a step forward and fall three steps behind. She wasn't oppose to me getting baptized, but she wasn't encouraging either. She knew she couldn't depend on me to carry on the 'traditions' of providing offerings to deities and lighting incenses and the right rituals anymore, the way she used to brag to others about what a filial and 'guai' child I was. Maybe I'd disappointed her. I want her to still love me, to still say I'm one of her favorites, to still talk and laugh with me. Coz I know at her mental stage, she might just end up breaking things off with me. What if she passes away when we're on bad terms? I can't bear it.
But that's so selfish of me. So unbelievably, grossly selfish of me. When I weigh these things on a scale, my needs are so menial compared to hers. I WANT HER TO KNOW CHRIST, to accept Him more than anything else. Even me.
Especially me.
All I hope and pray for is more time and courage, Lord, for me to do more for my grandma, more than just making her happy with gifts and foods, but making her complete and at peace with You.
Please fill her life, her heart with Your presence and Your grace and mercy even right now.
I remember when I was attending a church in Singapore, the pastor was talking about the older generation and how to bring them to church, and ultimately to Christ. And he did a funny monologue thing, which is kinda like the comic below. It's always been on my mind, coz it's hit me more than I let on. It was kinda funny, but more poignant than anything.
POPO & ME
We used to watch a lot of TV together; Tamil movies, Chinese soap operas, TVB series, Tamil news (she has a thing for the language - she claims to understand it, if she cared to listen carefully =p).
She calls me soh moi (not soh mui) coz we're hakka, not typical canto. =P Heh jk.
IF YOU LOVE ME...
She does act like a kid sometimes. =) Especially when she stares at the webcam, all confused and slightly fascinated.
And it's mY comic strip, so I'll have bangs or fringes or what-have-you if I want to. =P
